Breaking the Bubble: Practical and New Approaches to Make Gay Friends and Build Lasting Gay Friendships
Imagine walking into a room full of people, all laughing, chatting, and connecting. Yet, you feel completely alone.
For many gay men, this isn't just imagination; it's a painful reality.
In a world where connection is just a swipe away, why do so many of us feel isolated?
Let's break down the barriers and explore how to build the friendships we truly desire and deserve.
Why You Don’t Have (Gay) Friends
Making meaningful connections and friendships within the LGBTQ+ community often comes with unique challenges.
Here are some common reasons why gay men may struggle to make friends:
Relying too heavily on dating apps: While they can be great for hookups, they're not always conducive to forming friendships. The focus is often on romantic/sexual connections rather than platonic ones.
Fear of rejection: Some may hesitate to put themselves out there socially due to past negative experiences or internalized shame.
Limited gay spaces: Depending on location, there may not be many LGBTQ-specific venues or events to meet others.
Work demands: Long hours and busy schedules can make it hard to prioritize socializing.
Social anxiety: For some, large group settings or meeting new people can be anxiety-inducing.
Shyness: Many gay men, especially those who were not open about their sexual orientation for a long time, may feel shy or uncomfortable in social situations.
Cultural/identity factors: Intersectional identities (e.g. being a gay person of color, having a disability, etc.) can sometimes make it harder to find relatable friends within the broader gay community.
Cliquishness in gay circles: Established friend groups can sometimes feel exclusionary to newcomers.
Lack of effort: Sometimes we don’t prioritize friendship-building or put in the consistent effort required to nurture new connections.
Geographic limitations: Living in a smaller town or rural area with a limited LGBTQ+ population can make it challenging to meet other gay men.
Age differences: Feeling out of place in gay spaces that cater to specific age groups (e.g. feeling too old for the club scene or too young for certain social groups).
Body image issues: Insecurity about appearance can hold some back from social situations.
Internalized homophobia: Discomfort with one's sexuality can make connecting with other gay men difficult.
Lack of shared interests: It can be challenging to find gay friends with similar hobbies or passions.
Moving to a new city: Relocating means starting from scratch socially.
Prioritizing romantic relationships: Some may neglect friendships when coupled up.
Where to Make New Gay Friends
1: LGBTQ+ events
Attending LGBTQ+ events—whether a pride parade, a local interest meetup, or a film festival—can feel like stepping into a vibrant tapestry of shared experiences.
These spaces provide the opportunity to meet others with similar interests, which makes it easier to form connections. Don’t be afraid to attend solo; the whole point is to meet new people!
2: LGBTQ+ sports leagues and clubs
Sports clubs are a fantastic way to find gay friends while staying active.
Joining a gay sports league helps you meet like-minded men and build confidence, whether you’re into football, tennis, or something more niche.
These clubs often foster a camaraderie that can easily transition into friendship off the field.
3: Gay-friendly volunteer organizations
Volunteering for LGBTQ+ causes or other community organizations is a great way to meet like-minded people while giving back.
Look for local LGBTQ+ centers, pride organizations, or gay-friendly charities that need volunteers.
4: Online LGBTQ+ communities and forums
Online LGBTQ+ forums, subreddits, or social media groups focused on specific interests can be a low-pressure way to start conversations and potentially meet local friends, while not a substitute for in-person connections.
On social media, apps like Lex—which cater to LGBTQ+ communities—or even Facebook groups can be effective for finding those looking for friendship rather than just romantic or physical connections.
5: Gay bars and clubs
Gay bars and clubs can be great places to meet potential friends, while they are often associated with hookup culture.
Look for themed nights or events that align with your interests (e.g., trivia nights, karaoke, drag shows).
If you’re nervous about going alone, bring a wingman.
Focus on socializing and having fun rather than finding a romantic connection.
6: Gay book clubs or discussion groups
Joining a gay book club or discussion group focused on LGBTQ+ literature, films, or topics allows you to connect with others who share your interests.
Many libraries or bookstores host these, or you can find them online.
7: Gay cooking classes:
Cooking classes tailored for the LGBTQ+ community offer a unique blend of culinary skills and social interaction.
These classes provide a relaxed, hands-on environment where you can meet other gay men while learning new recipes and techniques.
8: LGBTQ+ tech meetups
LGBTQ+ tech meetups can be an excellent way for gay men in the tech industry or those interested in technology to connect with like-minded individuals.
These events often combine networking, learning, and socializing in a welcoming environment.
The tech makes it easier to break the ice and form connections based on shared interests.
Attend talks, workshops, or hackathons - coding competitions where programmers collaborate to create software or solve problems - specifically geared towards LGBTQ+ tech professionals.
9: Gay-friendly religious or spiritual groups
For those who are religious or spiritual, finding an LGBTQ+-affirming congregation or group can provide a sense of community and friendship opportunities.
10: Gay travel groups
Going on trips with LGBTQ+-focused travel companies or joining gay meetups can help you form friendships through shared adventures.
Remember, the key is to put yourself out there consistently and be open to new connections. Building friendships takes time and effort, but it’s worth it for the meaningful relationships you can form
Tips on What To Do If You Want To Make Gay Friends
Don’t fear rejection: Not every connection will stick—and that’s okay. It’s about finding those who do.
Show vulnerability: By being open about your own experiences, you invite others to do the same. This leads to deeper bonds.
Push your comfort zone: If you’re shy, take baby steps to push your comfort zone. Start with just smiling and making small talk.
Address internalized homophobia: Be aware of any negative beliefs about gay men or relationships. These can unconsciously affect your ability to form friendships.
Stay approachable: Kindness and warmth can turn a casual encounter into a lasting friendship. Make eye contact, smile, and be approachable.
Embrace your authentic self: Don't hide aspects of your personality to fit in. The gay community is diverse, and your uniqueness is your strength.
Navigate dating app friendships carefully: If using dating apps to make friends, be clear about your intentions from the start to avoid misunderstandings.
Follow up: If you meet someone you like, don’t be shy about exchanging contact information and making plans.
Create safe spaces: When meeting new gay friends, choose environments where you both feel comfortable being openly gay without fear of judgment or discrimination.
Understand gay cultural references: Familiarize yourself with gay culture, history, and current issues. This shared knowledge can help you connect more deeply with other gay men.
New Strategies for Deepening Gay Friendships
1. Queer history projects
Consider participating in a queer history project that pairs younger and older gay men to share our community’s past.
For example, the Arizona LGBTQ Storytelling Project brings different generations together to create bonds through shared storytelling.
These experiences bridge the generational divide and help form lasting, meaningful friendships.
If you’re interested, start by contacting local LGBTQ+ organizations that might be interested in a small-scale project of this kind.
2. Host a “friend-date” night
Organize a regular gathering where each friend brings another gay friend they think the group would like. This expands your circle organically and allows for deeper connections in a comfortable setting.
3. Shame resilience workshop
Many gay men carry a weight of shame that hinders their ability to form deep friendships.
Hosting or attending a workshop that addresses internalized homophobia and shame is a way to tackle this.
By working on our vulnerabilities, we create space for authentic relationships.
You could even gather a group of friends and work together through Brené Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection.
4. Creating new gay-friendly spaces
Gay bars are closing at an alarming rate. But that doesn’t mean we can’t create new spaces.
Consider approaching the owners of local cafes or bookstores to host a gay-themed event—a book club, game night, or art evening.
This provides an opportunity for connection in an alcohol-free setting and helps increase our visibility in traditionally straight venues.
5. Form an LGBTQ+ book-to-screen club
Read LGBTQ+ books and then watch their film/TV adaptations together. Discuss the representations and shared experiences, fostering deeper conversations.
6: Create a gay men’s support circle
Form a small group that meets regularly to discuss personal challenges, goals, and experiences unique to gay men. This fosters emotional intimacy and trust.
Maintaining Your New Gay Friendships
Building new friendships is just the first step. Maintaining and nurturing those relationships is crucial for developing deep, lasting connections.
Here are some tips for maintaining your new gay friendships:
Be proactive: Don’t always wait for the other person to initiate. Take turns planning activities or reaching out.
Create shared experiences: Plan activities that allow you to bond, like attending LGBTQ+ film festivals, pride events, or trying new restaurants together.
Be a good listener: Show genuine interest in your friends’ lives. Remember details they share and follow up on them later.
Respect boundaries: Understand that everyone has different comfort levels with intimacy and sharing. Don’t push for more than they’re ready to give.
Celebrate milestones: Acknowledge important dates like birthdays, coming out anniversaries, or personal achievements.
Be reliable: Follow through on plans and commitments. Reliability builds trust in friendships.
Offer support: Be there during tough times. Offer emotional support or practical help when needed.
Introduce them to your circle: When appropriate, integrate your new friends into your existing social network.
Use technology wisely: Stay connected through texts, social media, or video calls, especially if you can’t meet in person frequently.
Be authentic: Don’t try to be someone you’re not. The most lasting connections are authentic.
Address conflicts: If misunderstandings arise, address them openly and honestly rather than letting them fester.
Appreciate differences: Celebrate the diversity within the gay community. Your differences can enrich your friendship.
Like all relationships, friendships require vulnerability, intentionality, and a willingness to challenge our preconceptions about gay friendships.
Creating Connections That Matter
Finding friends as a gay man can be both challenging and rewarding.
It's a journey that offers chances for personal growth and meaningful relationships.
By being true to yourself, communicating openly, and engaging in community events, you can build friendships that bring joy and support to your life.
Remember, good friendships develop over time. Be patient with the process and kind to yourself as you meet new people and nurture these connections.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into personal development, review my tailored counseling services or a book a one-on-one session with me.
Why Choose Therapy with Me?
I specialize in gay-specific issues and understand the community’s unique challenges.
Empathy and Experience: After helping hundreds like you, I offer a safe space for healing.
Tailored Approach: We’ll create a personalized plan to challenge internalized negativity and build self-acceptance.
Ready to start?
Click here to inquire about therapy and take your first step toward self-love.
