The 12 Habits of Resilient Gay Men

Sometimes life tests the LGBTQ community and poses situations that exceed our capacities: an illness, an excruciating relationship breakup, the death of a loved one, the failure of a long-awaited dream, financial problems, political struggles, or a pandemic like COVID.

Different circumstances can push gay men to the limit and make us question whether we have the strength and the will to go on.

At this point, we have two options: to feel that we have failed or to overcome and emerge stronger and prouder.

What is Resilience?

Resilience refers to our human capacity to confront difficult situations and overcome them flexibly.

In psychology, we add something else to the concept of resilience: not only can we deal with crises or potentially traumatic situations, but we can also emerge stronger from them.

Resilience involves restructuring our psychological resources according to new circumstances and our needs.

In this way, resilient LGBTQI people do not only overcome the adversities we have had to live with, but we go one step further and use those situations to grow and develop our potential to the maximum.

For resilient gay men, there is no hard life but challenging times.

And it is not a simple terminological disquisition but a different and more optimistic way of seeing the world since we know that calm comes after the storm.

Resilience among the queer community often amazes people with their good humor and makes people wonder how it is possible that, after all that we have been through, we can face life with a smile and open heart.

Why Are Gay Men Resilient?

Resilience is not an innate quality, nor is it imprinted on our genes - although there may be a genetic tendency that may predispose us to have a “good character.”

Resilience is something that we can all develop throughout life.

Some gay men are resilient because they have had a resilience model to follow from their parents or someone close to them, while others have found their way on their own. This tells us that we can all be resilient as long as we change some of our habits and beliefs.

Resilient people are not born; they are made. This means they have had to fight against adverse situations or have repeatedly tasted the taste of failure and have not given up. Things like sexuality, coming out, mental health difficulties, homophobia, and the media, to name some, put us to the test.

Being on the brink of a perceived abyss, we can give our best and develop the necessary skills to face the different challenges of life.

What Characterizes a Resilient Person?

1. They are aware of their potential and limitations. Self-knowledge is a potent weapon to face adversities and challenges, and resilient people know how to use it to their advantage. These people know what their main strengths and abilities are, as well as their limitations and shortcomings. This way, more objective goals can be set considering their needs and dreams and the resources available to achieve them.

2. They are creative. The person with high resilience is not limited to trying to glue the broken vase; he is aware that he will never be the same again. The resilient will mosaic the fractured pieces, transforming their painful experience into something beautiful or valuable. From the vile, bring out the precious.

3. They trust their abilities. By being aware of their potential and limitations, resilient people trust what they are capable of. If there is something that characterizes them, they do not lose sight of their objectives and feel sure of what they can achieve. However, they also recognize the importance of teamwork and do not become self-contained but know when to ask for help.

4. They take difficulties as an opportunity to learn. Throughout life, we ​​face many painful situations that discourage us, but people with a high level of resilience can see beyond those moments and do not falter. These people assume crises as an opportunity to generate change, learn and grow. They know that those moments will not last forever and that their future will depend on how they react. When faced with adversity, they ask themselves: what can I learn from this.

5. They practice mindfulness. Despite being aware of this ancient practice, resilient people have the habit of being fully present, living in the here and now, and having an excellent capacity for acceptance. For these people, the past is part of yesterday and is not a source of guilt and anxiety, while the future does not stun them with its share of uncertainty and concerns. They can accept experiences as they are presented and try to make the most of them. They enjoy the little details and have not lost their ability to be amazed at life.

6. They view life objectively but always through an optimistic prism. Resilient people are very objective and know their potential, the resources they have at their disposal, and their goals, but that does not mean they are not optimistic. Realizing that nothing is entirely positive or negative, they strive to focus on the positives and enjoy the challenges. These people develop realistic optimism, also called optimism, and are convinced that the next day may be better no matter how dark their day is.

7. They surround themselves with people who have a positive attitude. People who practice resilience know how to cultivate their friendships, so they generally surround themselves with people who maintain a positive attitude towards life and avoid those who behave like emotional vampires. In this way, they manage to create a solid support network that can sustain them in the most challenging moments.

8. They are not trying to control situations but their emotions. One of the primary sources of tension and stress is the desire to manage all aspects of our life. So when something gets out of hand, we feel guilty and insecure. However, people with resilience know that it is impossible to control all situations; they have learned to deal with uncertainty and feel comfortable even if they are not in control. They focus on changing their emotions when they cannot change reality.

9. They are flexible in the face of change. Even though resilient people have an evident self-image and know precisely what they want to achieve, they also have enough flexibility to adapt their plans and change their goals when necessary. These people are not closed to change and are always willing to value different alternatives without obsessively clinging to their initial plans or a single solution.

10. They are tenacious in their purposes. The fact that resilient people are flexible does not mean that they give up on their goals. On the contrary, if something distinguishes them, it is their perseverance and ability to fight. The difference is that they do not fight against windmills but take advantage of the direction of the current and flow with it. These people have an intrinsic motivation that helps them stand firm and fight for what they set out to do.

11. They face adversity with humor. One of the essential characteristics of resilient people is their sense of humor; they can laugh at the trouble and see the humor in their misfortunes. Laughter is their best ally because it helps them stay optimistic and allows them to focus on the positive aspects of situations.

12. They seek the help of others and social support. Resilient people go through a potentially traumatic event; their first objective is to overcome it. They know the importance of social support and do not hesitate to seek professional help, such as a counselor, when needed.

Developing Resilience in LGBTQ Youth

If we want our children to face life's difficulties with strength, it is essential to build a secure attachment and educate them on the ability to be resilient.

For this, our example is fundamental, not to overprotect them and, above all, to believe in them.

It is not about preventing them from falling but about teaching them to get up, and for this, we have to trust that they can.

Of course, it is not about exposing them to dangers or aggressive environments "so that they become stronger" Fortunately, we are not in Sparta. Providing security and protection is what is necessary.

Something important that we can ask children when they have a setback is “what can you learn from this?” or “what can you get good out of this that has happened?”

Teaching children to relativize and see mistakes and setbacks as an opportunity to learn and improve will guide them on the path of resilience, not from the denial of their emotions, but from empathy towards what they feel and their emotional world, transmitting our confidence that they can face adversity and overcome it.