From Self-Doubt to Self-Love: 5 Ways to Tame Your Inner Critic
Let's be honest: gay men (and LGBTQ+ folks) often wrestle with a loud, relentless inner critic that is tied to our upbringing.
Maybe your inner critic whispers—or shouts—things like:
“You're not enough.”
“You're failing at life.”
“You'll never find love.”
“Why can't you be like [insert friend who seems to have it all]?”
Does that sound familiar?
These feelings arise from years of expectations, social pressures, and ingrained beliefs regarding success, acceptance, and love, often shaped in our formative years.
Trust me, I've experienced that myself.
But we don't have to let that critical voice run the show.
Understanding the Inner Critic
First, see your inner critic for what it is: a survival mechanism.
It's your brain's way of protecting you by pointing out your “flaws” or warning you of potential risks.
This mechanism, similar to internalized homophobia, can become warped over time, especially if it is shaped by rejection, shame, or societal stigma.
The inner critic will always exist, so the problem isn't its existence.
The problem is that we believe what it says. We give it meaning. We treat its criticisms as truth when they're just habits of thought.
When we believe the inner critic's stories, we lose sight of the reality that you are already enough, exactly as you are.
A New Way to Relate to Your Thoughts
You don't have to silence your inner critic. It's part of being human and likely impossible to do.
But you can change your relationship with it.
Instead of identifying with its harsh words, create some space between yourself and your thoughts.
Here are a few practices I've found helpful in shifting away from self-critical thoughts:
1. Become the Observer
Start by noticing your thoughts without judgment.
Over the next few days, observe your mind like an outside observer.
What does your inner critic say?
How often does it chime in?
What triggers it?
The goal isn't to stop the thoughts but to notice them as something separate from you.
2. Question the Narrative
Ask yourself: “Is this true? Is this thought a fact, or is it just a story my mind is telling me?
For example, challenge your inner critic if it says, “You'll never find love.”
Ask it, “Never? Really? Haven't I experienced love in other ways—friendship, family, community?”
3. Shift Your Attention
When the inner critic gets loud, redirect your attention to something grounding.
This could be your breath, physical sensations, or an external focus, such as the sound of birds outside or the texture of something you're touching.
The idea isn't to push the thoughts away but to remind yourself not to engage with them.
4. Use Compassionate Self-Talk
If you get stuck in a loop of self-criticism, respond as you would to a friend.
For example, counter gently if you think, “I'm failing.” Say to yourself, “I'm doing my best, and that is enough.”
This isn't about toxic positivity. It's about offering yourself the kindness you deserve.
5. Practice One-Pointed Focus
A meditation practice like One Pointed Concentration can help.
Choose an anchor for your attention (your breath, counting, a candle flame), and return to it whenever your mind wanders.
Over time, this strengthens your ability to notice thoughts without being pulled into them.
Why Taming The Inner Critic Matters
When we stop identifying with the inner critic's stories, we create space to feel more at ease in our skin.
We're not “fixing” ourselves. We're learning to accept who we are, even on the messy days.
I've been on this journey, and it's not about perfection—it's about progress.
Progress looks like catching a self-critical thought and deciding not to let it ruin your day
If this resonates, try one of these practices this week and see what changes.
Remember, it's a process, and being present for yourself—imperfectly—is enough.
Get Support
If you're ready to explore these ideas more deeply and get personalized support, I'd love to help.
A little guidance can make a difference, whether it's quieting your inner critic, building confidence, or creating greater peace of mind.
I offer one-on-one sessions in a safe, affirming space to help you overcome challenges and become a more grounded, fulfilling version of yourself.
If you're interested, please book a session with me. Let's make the shift happen together.
