Gay Men Growing Up With An Absent Father
Fathers emotionally detached from their children, regardless of their sexual orientation, leave a significant mark on them, which can remain into adulthood.
Considering that LGBTQ+ youth are highly vulnerable to mental health issues, affirming and supportive parenting, including the father, highlights this vital concern. Their emotional detachment creates an environment where the child is often left to fend for themselves in developing their sense of self-worth and self-confidence.
In addition, gay men growing up with emotionally absent fathers face many challenges. Many LGBTQ+ children grow up emotionally unhinged and insecure about themselves and their future due to an emotionally present father.
An Unsupportive Father rocks a Gay Son's World.
Unsupportive or emotionally disconnected fathers can be devastating to a gay son. Being gay, he may feel like his father doesn't love him because he is different or not good enough.
This situation can leave a gay child feeling lost and broken for many years after having gone through this experience. For this reason, fathers need to be present in their children's lives, no matter their thoughts.
This latter part is the parent’s responsibility and issue, not the child’s. For example, it is the father's responsibility to learn how the world is not always safe for gay youth.
It is no secret that the world has become polarized, making it difficult for some in society to see or empathize with other people’s points of view. But, if fathers love their children and take an active interest in their emotional well-being, the results can be remarkable.
New Approaches to Parenting for Fathers
Until recently, the man's role in the family was to work to support a wife and children economically. As the man had financial power, he was the highest authority of the house, who gave the last word and was not involved much in raising children.
Many were physically present but emotionally unavailable fathers.
More recently, with the insertion of women into the labor market, the family configuration has undergone a profound change.
Mothers and fathers have begun to share responsibility for the development of their children. This transformation has brought many benefits to children, including fathers being able to be more present for their gay sons.
Benefits of a Healthy Gay Son and Dad Relationships
Many studies highlight the benefits for children who experience a healthy emotional attachment with their fathers.
Some of these include:
Having higher self-esteem.
Feeling more emotionally safe.
Being less likely to drop out of school.
Getting less involved with drugs.
Developing healthier social and affective relationships.
Being more empathetic to others.
Doing better at school.
Having more emotional intelligence.
If a father participates in his gay son’s development and is supportive and affectionate, he can significantly contribute to the child's social, emotional, and cognitive development.
It will also help you have higher self-esteem and an improved sense of self — something many gay men struggle with.
The Effects of an Emotionally Detached Father
On the other hand, an emotionally unavailable dad can leave deep emotional wounds that persist into adulthood.
Many of the challenges gay men face are the product of their early childhood experiences and the unhealthy (sometimes non-existent) relationship they have with their fathers.
Alan Downs, the author of The Velvet Rage, suggests that this can lead to “the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger.”
A study by the National Fatherhood Initiative found that emotionally unavailable fathers can generate economic and social problems and even harm the physical and mental health of the individual. According to the organization, the United States spends $100 billion annually on social programs to reduce the impacts of parental absence.
What Characterizes an Emotionally Absent Father?
Paternal absence can be physical when, for example, parents separate, resulting in the father having little or no contact with the children. His lack can also be emotional when the couple is together, but the father does not actively participate in raising the children.
The main characteristics of an emotionally absent father are:
Lack of empathy: has little affective connection with children and people. He maintains superficial relationships. Usually, this kind of absent father is like this because he wants and sees nothing wrong with his actions — or lack thereof. He does not put himself in the shoes of his wife and children, fleeing his responsibility of being a father. Therefore, he fails to create emotional ties with children.
Emotional immaturity: people who have not matured emotionally have difficulty relating. They run away from obligations and are often toxic people. Emotional immaturity can be caused by childhood trauma. These men live like teenagers and can not express their emotions.
Irresponsibility: most emotionally unavailable fathers have decided (conscious or not) to evade the responsibility of raising a child. They act as if the child did not exist, leaving all obligations to the mother or other caregivers.
Self-centredness: they only look at their navel. The absent father makes his plans as if the children did not exist. He prioritizes other topics such as work, money, social life, sports, etc.
Obsession with work: many emotionally absent fathers are workaholics and may spend 14 hours or more in the office. They never have time for the family. Even during the holidays, they find it difficult to disconnect and have quality time with their children. Professional ambition is above all else.
The Emotional Effects of Fathers' Absence
The lack of an emotional connection with a father can adversely affect a gay son. These include depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. A gay son may also have lower self-esteem and self-worth, leading to feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and social isolation.
It is not uncommon for gay adults to fear being abandoned by any man who enters their lives. One of the main reasons for this is how much they felt abandoned by their fathers growing up.
According to psychologists, gay men who felt unloved and abandoned by a father figure are usually:
More emotionally detached: they struggle to establish solid and lasting affective bonds. In addition, many children of emotionally unavailable fathers repeat this behavior when they become parents.
More insecure: due to the emotional suffering caused by the absence of the father, they are people who are more afraid of disappointment and abandonment. Fear of abandonment can generate enormous emotional dependence on other people.
In addition:
They typically have lower self-esteem: paternal rejection compromises self-esteem and leaves a void that is difficult to fill.
They are more likely to have some psychological disorder: often, the suffering generated by an absent country can have several psychological consequences, such as depression, anxiety, and anorexia.
They are more likely to enter into toxic relationships. Due to low self-esteem and affective deprivation, people with no father present may have problems establishing healthy relationships. Due to the fear of losing someone they love again, many cannot cut certain harmful bonds, living in abusive and unhappy adult relationships.
They are more prone to addictions: many children of absent parents try to compensate for this deficiency in another way, including being addicted to drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, etc.
Having an absent father leaves emotional and psychological marks. However, this does not mean moving forward and finding happiness is impossible.
How Does Coming Out Affect Son's Relationship With His Father?
Coming out can be difficult and scary, so a gay child may be nervous to tell his father about his sexual orientation.
This can make him seem distant or quiet around his father. Parents might even notice that their son spends time away from home for long periods or looks sad when he does come home - both signs that something is wrong.
Some fathers may feel uncomfortable with their son's sexuality. They may even be disappointed in their son's choice.
It may be a surprise when a child comes out as gay.
Fathers sometimes find it challenging to deal with their sons being different from society expects them to be. After all, heterosexual men and women who marry other heterosexual men and women have children together and live happily ever after.
Or so the heteronormative storyline reads.
Part of the coming out process involves some fathers becoming angry at and blaming themselves and others because of their son's sexuality.
He may reflect on his decisions years ago, which shaped how his son turned out today.
Or perhaps he'll blame someone else for influencing their child into being gay.
If this often happens over time, resentment can build between father and child - especially if neither person knows why things happened the way they did!
Did You Grow Up With An Absent Father?
If you have grown up or have an absent father, the first step to moving on is to accept how you feel about it.
It is also important to remember that you are not to blame for the choices of others but are responsible for charting your path.
Staying in the past will not change the situation, but it is up to you to have a happier future.
In addition, you may be more at peace if you start with people who have played a key role in your development, such as your mother, grandparents, or other friends.
Finally, if you cannot overcome this pain, perhaps it is time to seek psychological support. A psychotherapist will have the necessary tools to help you see this relationship from another perspective. Get in touch.
Some Final Thoughts
Gay people who grew up with absent fathers can have a much harder time coming out and accepting their sexuality - both in youth and in adulthood.
The lack of emotional connection with the father has many adverse effects on the gay son.
He is either never told or doubts his father's love for him, which leads to feelings of shame and isolation.
This can also cause problems with other relationships later in life because they cannot trust others due to their own experiences growing up without an emotional connection with another loved one.
