Тhe Velvet Rаge by Alan Downs: A Must-Read Book for Gay Mеn
In "The Velvet Rage," Alan Downs looks compellingly at the emotional challenges gay men often confront on their journey toward authenticity. From unpacking shame and self-hatred to unraveling the complexities of gay relationships, Alan Downs offers a roadmap to a more fulfilling life.
In this article, gay therapist Gino Cosme explores the book's key takeaways, moments of brilliance, and even blind spots.
Alan Downs’ “The Velvet Rage” is a book about the unique challenges gay men face in our society and how we can overcome them for better mental well-being.
It's a book for gay men, their loved ones, and mental health professionals who want to help gay men grow and live happier, more authentic lives.
Below, I share my views on the book and highlight some important lessons applicable to many gay men struggling to accept themselves or overcome the pain of their childhood experiences.
Why call the book The Velvet Rage?
Alan Downs coined the term “Velvet Rage” to describe "the experience of intense anger that results from (a gay man) failing to achieve authentic validation."
Downs explores this idea in three sections: "Overwhelmed by Shame," "Compensating for Shame," and "Cultivating Authenticity."
These sections examine the different steps gay men often take to reconcile with their sexual orientation, deal with mental health issues, and live fulfilling lives.
Shame and self-hatred.
A powerful aspect of the book The Velvet Rage is how it addresses the rage, shame, and self-hatred many gay men experience growing up gay in a straight world.
Alan Downs suggests that this shame is not innate but rather a result of how society treats gay men.
He explains that shame is the emotional response to being treated as if you are less than human.
He writes, "The toxic core of shame has the gay man utterly convinced that he is critically flawed, and this shame colors and dims his life experience, causing him to filter out the good and grasp only the bad, difficult, and distressing."
Dr. Alan Downs provides a roadmap for overcoming this shame by exploring its roots.
He tells his readers to be openly gay and stop hiding behind masks they think will keep others from judging them. He writes that the more you hide, the more you shrink.
But, conversely, the more you reveal, the more you grow.
The struggle to find acceptance and belonging.
One more powerful aspect of The Velvet Rage is how it addresses the issue of gay relationships.
Gay men often struggle to form lasting relationships, and Alan Downs claims that this is because they have not fully come to terms with their shame and self-hatred.
He writes, "Famished for authentic validation and without a reliable sense of self-direction, (a gay man) develops a sophisticated radar for those things and people who will make him feel good about himself."
The Huffington Post pointed out how well the book shows how gay men try to overcome their shame by "being the most successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, and masculine."
Some people might describe this as a recipe for shallow relationships.
But this is often a coping mechanism for gay men who are struggling to find acceptance and belonging.
It can be a way for gay people to find pride and acceptance in their gay identity, as well as a search for community and connection.
Exploring concepts of The Velvet Rage in therapy.
While I don't use the book as a guide for how I work with my clients, it is a useful resource that complements many of the challenges gay men seek therapy for.
Here are a few of these challenges:
Identifying and overcoming the pain they experienced growing up, their feelings of shame, and internalized homophobia. This could include looking into where these feelings come from, challenging negative beliefs about yourself, and encouraging self-compassion.
Developing a healthier sense of who they are by getting them to think about their values and beliefs.
On the relationship front, understanding the role that shame and internalized homophobia may play in their romantic and platonic relationships and offer guidance on building healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.
The Velvet Rage complements therapy by giving practical advice on how gay men can overcome their problems.
It encourages readers to embrace creativity, build a strong support network, and care for themselves.
Alan Downs also gives exercises and journaling ideas to help gay men think about their feelings and experiences.
These are all ways the book can complement therapy, either as “homework” or discussion points.
Some over-generalizations in the book.
Despite its relative success, Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage has received some criticism, some of which I share.
1: Stereotypical representation of gay culture
While many gay men will relate to Alan Downs’ book, some parts may not speak to all gay men.
For instance, not all gay men have issues with monogamy or are drug-taking, club-going men, which are prevalent in gay culture but shouldn't overshadow the gay community as a whole.
Like all diverse cultures, there are various subcultures among queer people.
Over the last decade, it's been refreshing to see gay men portrayed and represented more prominently in the media and pop culture.
Gay men are unique and do not fit the typical stereotype or mold that some may say dominates Alan Downs's narrative in The Velvet Rage.
Being gay doesn't require a particular style, nor is there a correct way to be gay.
There's no such thing as a one-size-fits-all LGBT person.
Each person's experience of being gay is different and should be celebrated and accepted.
2: Limited coverage of codependence
The Velvet Rage does not fully recognize that shame can lead to codependent behavior in gay men.
Codependency is a product of unhealthy boundaries often stemming from an unpredictable, chaotic, or neglectful childhood and family patterns.
Their codependent traits act as a survival mechanism and make it difficult for a person to be in good, healthy relationships with someone else. Instead, they get into one-sided relationships that are often emotionally abusive.
This leads to feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness, which can devastate self-esteem and relationships.
It also increases the risk of engaging in harmful behaviors, such as substance abuse and reckless sexual behavior.
It's still a powerful and thought-provoking book.
Despite some criticism, The Velvet Rage is a compelling and insightful read.
Alan Downs' insights and perspectives are invaluable, and his writing style is engaging and accessible.
In addition, he uses his background as a psychologist in LA to offer insights and points of view that are often overlooked in mainstream discussions of LGBTQ+ issues.
These are some of my favorite quotes:
"When you drop the struggle with shame and accept life as it is without judgment, you find great freedom on the other side. It is freedom to be who you are, exactly as you are. The only real meaning in life is found in being who you are right now, without apologies."
"Learning to effectively manage your emotions is a skill that is often underrated in its importance. Each of us feels many different emotions during the day, from joy and happiness to anger and sadness. Being able to manage those feelings effectively and prevent yourself from being overwhelmed by them is a key to fulfillment and, in most areas of life, success."
"Famished for authentic validation and without a reliable sense of self-direction, he develops a sophisticated radar for those things and people who will make him feel good about himself."
"Our own internal conflicts prevent us from gaining the emotional clarity needed to maintain a safe and satisfying bond. The situation compounds when two men, both overwhelmed with shame, come together in an intense and explosive expression of passion."
"The wound is the trauma caused by exposure to overwhelming shame at an age when you weren't equipped to cope with it. An emotional wound caused by toxic shame is a very serious and persistent disability that has the potential to literally destroy your life. It is much more than just a poor self-image. It is the internalized and deeply held belief that you are somehow unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and in short, flawed."
Alan Downs has done an excellent job opening the door to a deeper understanding and acceptance of ourselves and others.
It's one of the reasons I recommend The Velvet Rage to many of my clients, friends, and fellow therapists.
Anyone pursuing authenticity and a more fulfilling life, as well as those who assist them on their journey, should read this book.
How therapy can extend The Velvet Rage’s teachings?
Address your shame and self-hatred.
Provide emotional coping mechanisms.
Identify barriers you have in forming healthy relationships.
Explore and navigate your identity as a gay man.
Explore the possible criticisms or gaps you find in the book.
